I sit on my butt for money.
the energy I feel is equal to the energy I put out. I’m a self-powered machine. I’m powered by inertia in both directions. I can put up with anything. not everything can put up with me.
can I put up with staring at a computer screen 40 hours a week? can I put up with sinking more and more deeply into my seat?
until I’m horizontal
until I’m two-dimensional
until I am the horizon
I eat a lot at work. at work I slump in a chair. at work my body is useless. I remind myself I’m alive by chewing. sometimes every piece of my body gets individually itchy. I remind myself I’m alive by scratching.
why not plug in
my body is useless
but I am a person a body & a mind I am strong. I am alive!
in the last few months I somehow made a shift from feeling most myself irl to feeling most real online. on the internet I talk to people. on the internet I talk. in real life everything happens so fast. people say things and they want me to listen and they want me to respond too! and relevantly! and in a timely fashion!
but don’t interrupt
I feel like real life is the place where I do things I don’t want to share on the internet. real life is the shameful secret. I mean only sometimes. I mean like today I ate a donut & 3 mini cupcakes & I “wasn’t even hungry.” yesterday I didn’t know what to do so I went to qfc and bought those mini cupcakes literally left over from the 4th of July and I biked home and ate half of them and they tasted like plastic but also sweet and also I couldn’t sleep.
I like to read. I don’t like to watch and I don’t like to listen but I like to read. I’ve given it a lot of thought and the thought that I thought is about pacing. when I read a book (especially beautiful blessed long-form fiction yes please I am shriveling without a book) I control the pace. I am a fast reader; I can read fast. I usually read words and sentences out of order but I’m alone in my head so I can do what I want. I can zone out at the window if I need to. I can zone out at the wall. and I miss nothing.
take yr time
go at yr own pace
everything will wait for you
but tv plows right along. thank goodness for commercials! thoughts must be gathered.
worse than tv, worse yet
why do people talk so much? I don’t get it. don’t you realize you’re taking up time & space & are maybe unwanted?
like if I’m reading a book or avoiding eye contact or staring off into space or talking about how “I really have to go” at every brief yet beloved lull maybe take a breather? feel the room
when I was in college I had an experience of dating someone I really loved and trusted and then it was suddenly ripped from under my feet. yea maybe I was “changed forever” but I think I’m better off.
I used to talk more
when I was in college, after but honestly maybe even before the above heartbreak, I went thru this phase where I just didn’t get verbal communication. specially, I didn’t get why people say things people already know. like “did I tell you this story?” “yes you told me that story” “well I’ll tell you again anyway”
“did you know this fact?” “yes I actually know that fact” “well I will continue to explain it to you in minute and patronizing detail”
I can be a little vague sometimes, but it’s a hell of a lot better than explaining basic things to the world. as if the world didn’t know! as if the world needs to be taught by the likes of me!
but seriously. seriously. seriously! I don’t get it! are you just filling space with words? covering silence with meaninglessness? silence sounds good you know. sometimes u can hear the wind
maybe it seems incongruous to stay quiet to the world while obsessively over-sharing on the internet, but here my audience is self-selecting. here my audience can check in and check out and check their phone and I am none the wiser. I don’t give a FUQ!
this week I had an experience I was enjoying & had looked forward to for a while ruined/at least tainted by one person’s incessant chatter. I mean yea I have “difficulty connecting” or “getting close to people,” maybe in part because I refuse to disclose anything real or true or honest about myself or even sometimes speak at all, preferring to laugh at every joke & eat every pastry in sight, but silence is golden u guise