wandering around crying and other stories
yesterday I was so sad I wanted to submerge myself in deep warm water until the end of time. I wanted to sleep forever. I wanted a hug.
yesterday I was so sad I couldn’t even ride my bike. I had to push it along like cumbersome crutch. like an externalized, metalliferous alter ego. my constant companion that will
never love me back.
yesterday I was so sad I felt too embarrassed to talk. I felt too embarrassed to write. I felt too embarrassed to ever tell anyone my feelings. it’s embarrassing to have overwhelming emotional reactions to everything, but I feel what I feel. can you stop yourself from feeling? this was not my choice.
what are other people like? I mean inside their minds. can some people really just brush off their feelings? or not even feel strongly at all? I wonder a lot about other people, and feelings, and weakness, and strength.
I am a strong girl in a lot of ways. I moved to Seattle without a job, plan, family or friends and I think I’m
doing ok. there have been many tears and fuck-ups along the way but at least now I have friends and job! I deal with personal setups by trying to learn and grow. I deal with professional setbacks by looking for bigger and better opportunities.
sometimes I throw my bike over my shoulder and run up stairs, or thru busy traffic, frogger style. daily I pump up and coast down Seattle hills.
I go out to dinner alone. I go to art shows alone. I don’t let being alone stop me from doing what I want to do.
but on the other hand… I am frequently stressed and overwhelmed. I am easily moved to tears. I get trapped in the mucky mud of my own emotions. the mud gets in my eyes, and everything is dark, and I can’t imagine seeing ever again. how quickly I can forget what light is like.
I’m even forced to keep my body in tiptop shape to keep a happy mind! alcohol, drugs, overeating, sugars, dairy, carbs… they all bring me down. I am sometimes fine in moderation. and sometimes not.
so yesterday. yesterday I happily awoke at 6am and biked to my first day of work. OR SO I THOUGHT. turns out it was just a negotiating contract and signing paperwork day. initial here, sign there, out by noon.
cool right? whole day free. well I just had a whole week free. and I like to plan ahead. I was excited to start my job. and I just friggen biked 20 miles I wasn’t exactly looking to turn around and go straight home.
seriously what is up with people asking me to wake early and bike miles for bullshit?! I mean I do self-identify as a bike lover and early bird so maybe I just need to work on communicating my likes and wants and boundaries.
like: please do not ask me to wake at 6 and bike a distance if you don’t want me to hang a while!
but hey it happened. I left the office and then…? I was lost. all I wanted to do was work. I didn’t even make Friday night plans because I assumed I’d be tired from work!
this is how I felt when I lost my last job. I wasn’t happy to have a sunny day free. I just wanted to go inside, clock on and make coffee. I am kind of a worker bee. I like to feel useful.
the nice thing that day was I had a friend just down the street who helped me get my head together.
but this day, yesterday, I was lost. so I: cried on a park bench on the green river trail. cried into a slurpee at volunteer park. put a newspaper over my face and pretended to tan at a beach on lake Washington but really cried underneath the newspaper.
I: walked my bike uphill and sometimes even on flat terrain because I could not muster the energy to ride. walked my bike along a winding trail, sometimes carrying it over stairs, because I could not stand the streets. could not think of a single thing to do but cry and wander forlorn.
eventually I called the guy I’m dating. ok to be real over and over I called the guy I’m dating. I went to his place, buried my face in his lap and cried. and then made us dinner. things got weird the last time we hung out but we talked and both apologized. he said from now on maybe I can tell him my feelings as they happen instead of expressing them the next day cryptically.
plus I’m a good kisser and a good cook and after a shitty crazy day it felt nice to be good at something.
but the day wasn’t all bad. ok the day was all bad but still some positives will come of it. yesterday I was sad and I wanted to go to a bar but I didn’t. this morning I was still sad and I wanted to smoke a bowl but I didn’t. it would be nice to be happy, and it will come again; till then there are worse ways to deal than by crying.