I woke up this morning wanting to smash. I wanted to break down walls. I wanted to break down doors. I wanted to smash glass against window.
I wanted to spill red wine on a white carpet. I wanted to spill white wine on a red couch, just to be wasteful and cruel.
instead I put out, and smiled, and planned my attack. when he leaves for work, that’s when I’ll do it. I’ll smash it all.
I haven’t raged out in a while: it’s been over a year. i have smashed before, but that is a topic for a different year, a different blog, a different life.
I try to stay happy and positive; I often feel stressed and sad; my anger is fleeting. my anger is usually cured quickly by a bad joke or a bike ride. my anger is usually accompanied by an urge to talk shit, not break plates.
last night I had a date. he told me he had concert tickets. he told me he would respect my decision when I told him I wasn’t drinking. neither of those things were true.
I tried to be positive and stay cool with him because things have been good so far. I just got a (very loving) talking-to from my parents about being a big slut on the internet, but this is the first guy I’ve slept with since my ex. I really liked this dude.
but then he wouldn’t (couldn’t?) stop drinking. or talking about drinking. or asking me if I wanted a drink. eventually I said ok because I wanted to be cool and stop having a fucking shitty night, and it was fine except that I started the night telling him I didn’t want to.
that’s why I woke up so angry.
I didn’t end up smashing. at first, honestly, I was afraid of getting in trouble. that’s not my main motivator — I have an internal moral code — but there was about a half hour this morning where an apartment would have been trashed if I wasn’t aware of laws. or if any of the friends I sadtexted had encouraged me to do it.
luckily I have great friends. i was offered juice. I was reminded that today is a new day for better decisions.
after my hulk smash rage subsided, I remembered I don’t want to be the kind of person who trashes apartments. and so I wrote him a letter. I told him I was upset that my wishes weren’t respected. I told him I could have been more firm. I told him I could have gone home. I told him I didn’t want to.
and so instead of smashing, I left a letter on the coffee table like a grown-up, along with a few artfully arranged pieces from his own collection.
ever imperfect, I couldn’t just leave. and so I stole: a toothbrush
the first time I slept over, I asked if he had an extra toothbrush. he said no. I went thru his bathroom looking for mouthwash and found: an extra toothbrush. but I couldn’t say ‘hey dude I just rummaged thru your shit and it turns out you do in fact have an extra toothbrush’ and so my teeth went unbrushed.
added bonus: it’s electric!
(boogie woogie woogie woogie)
I’ve never used an electric toothbrush before.