ok I admit last night I talked around a key detail. it sometimes takes a minute (or a good nights sleep) to get my thoughts and feelings straight. and decide what I’m ready to say.
because yes blah “my childhood” and “my eagerness to please” it’s all true. but I think I got so friend-stressed last night because I had a few drinks. I’ve been feeling so good since I lost my job and I think it’s partially because I’ve been sober. I’ve been severed sharply, without warning, from my coworkers’ parties.
working a night shift at a restaurant, no matter the plans I tried to made before work, lent itself well to partying. shit can be stressful and the sun often got to go home before I did. where do I start my night, how do I unwind after that?
well there is a pub in the basement where I worked with half off booze. I had coworkers selling drugs out of the restaurant. everyone partied harder than me, and sometimes I would try to keep up. when I first started working I wasn’t drinking or smoking but people teased me for that.
I mean I dated a coworker for 6 months and our entire relationship was me struggling to keep up. and ended with me being a very unhappy girl.
so I think it’s time for a break. in the spring I stopped drinking for a few weeks and it was a nice change of pace. I read more books and had more energy. I needed less sleep. I could bike all day.
and when Friday ends with me drunk crying about my job, and yesterday paused for me to stress cry about my friends, it seems this shit is not really serving me.
I don’t profess to be perfect and I’m not saying forever. there are so many festivals and parties and concerts and friends and I like saying yes to everything. i want to be cool. I like to get down. but I also gotta look out for number 1. and stay happy.