third date blues
I just went on a third date with a guy I like and now that I know I like him I’m worried he won’t like me. I mean I’m cute and cool I guess but he has and makes a lot more money than I do and has a job in video game engineering and I’m just a lowly restaurant worker. I guess I have hotness power and haven’t put out yet power but the things we do together I couldn’t afford to do alone and that feels a little weird. fun, but weird.
I was looking forward to seeing him all day and was in great spirits. I changed our plans at the last minute because I realized I absolutely had to eat sushi in Ballard and absolutely could not eat oysters on the hill and he rolled with it wonderfully and that was cool. I was even late because on my walk over I couldn’t stop taking pictures of spiders! I saw some really nice webs on the Ballard bridge, backlit by the setting sun. there are so many beautiful things to see when released from the speed and focused attention of biking.
well he accepted my weirdness and the night was great. it was cool, conversation flowed, he’s down to listen to me talk about feminism and why I don’t eat dairy. I didn’t drink and he offered to buy me a drink a few times but didn’t push it. we shared a few sushi rolls and I didn’t even put up a stink about eating tempura! after dinner we went to full tilt and I bought us ice cream cones so I could at least pay for something. coconut milk Mayan chocolate for the yum!
I guess my problem, or my problem here, is that it takes me a minute to get to know and trust a person, but once I do I’m completely obsessed. now that I know I like this guy I want to hang out with him more and I don’t want to think about him other girls. tho our conversations tonight did include a lot of ex talk and also the story of the random dudes from kings I had over to my place last night (no sexiness, much wine). tho I myself have a date tomorrow cos I’m an okc ho. tho I myself would probably feel stressed to be tied down and would freak out and rebel against that cage quick.
this is just jealousy rearing its familiar head. we had fun, eating and talking and walking around, then suddenly he saw a girl he knew and stopped to talk and I didn’t realize till I was a storefront away and it was awkward. he introduced me as his friend and I guess that’s a chill accurate word but it made me want to burst into flame. and of course she’s like 5 feet tall and 100 pounds with a crop top and perfect bangs and I try not to think about that stuff and ya know #sisterhood but it’s hard sometimes. next to her I felt like an ogre. just a gigantic human being trying too hard to be cool.
then the vibe was off. suddenly we were at my bike and there were people everywhere cos I was parked at kings and we did kiss but I would have preferred for us to be more alone. and I did make it clear (I think – sometimes I feel like I’m shouting and to the rest of the world it’s like I half closed one eye) but I think I made it clear that I’d like to see him again, and soon, and now half of me feels like I should have put out more and half of me feels like I should have played it more cool. but there’s nothing to do now but to have patience and trust.
I did get what I wanted. yes sushi yes kissing no booze. I got what I wanted except it came with a side of crazy thoughts in my head. crazy unwanted jealousy that does not serve me. I walked to our date smiling and biked away crying because I felt like I fucked everything up and all I can do now is pretend to be a cool girl until he contacts me because a 1am text of “omg I like you” or “omg do you like me?” would not make anything better.
I mean everything is fine. never better. everything is fine except silly old me.