talking to boys on the internet
I just saw a toddler toddle past wearing a Destined to be Drafted tshirt. it had a swoosh so I’m guessing sports, but my first thought was war.
take that non-sequitur as you wish. assign meaning; it was a serendipitous sighting as I sat down to write.
I’m sitting down to write about boys. I try not to talk about boys too much because I feel like there are more important things to talk about. but I usually say nothing at all.
I’ve been dating a lot. mostly okcupid, some guys I meet in person. some dudes are cool, some dudes actively practice consent, some dudes self-identify as feminist, tho actions speak louder than words. one recent self-proclaimed feminist followed me for two days, ignoring my obvious discomfort, till I told him I needed to pop outside for some air and literally RAN.
I did go out a few times with a cool biker guy. we played ping pong, we biked 50 miles, he asked if he could kiss me, I said no. he asked if I could come over, I said you’re a cool guy I’m just not feeling it.
yay for communication! yay for not just ignoring texts and disappearing forever. yay for self-congratulation!
I like a guy who can take no well. whenever I first meet a dude I try to say no to meaningless things, just to test the waters. if you can’t accept that I don’t want a dick pic or a bite of cheesecake, how can I expect you to respect me in bed?
as many women and also Louis ck have said, women’s biggest risk factor in life is men. so why date? in theory I’m down for the d, but in reality I’m kind of a prude until I drink away my ability to consent. not down to f as much as awk and blush and avoid eye contact.
I guess this isn’t a shocker but idk still sad to say/write for all to see: sometimes the only people I have to hang out with are boring dudes who want to bang me. realness alert! loneliness alert!
but I mean this is not a unique experience. new girl in teh big city. life is not the golden girls (I’ve never seen the golden girls). life is not cheers (I’ve never seen cheers). life is not how I met your mother: a group of friends meeting in the same bar, night after night; never bored, never drunk, never broke, endlessly fascinated with each other’s stories. I mean anecdote IS more compelling when everyone can see the same flashback. but I digress.
it’s hard for me to connect with people. on the inside I feel scared but maybe I’m just too judgmental. there are hidden gems in the 9-to-5 grind but I’m too turned off by Starbucks cups, shopping malls, chain restaurants, new car smell. like what could we possibly have to talk about? my strict moral code?!
like I hate cars till I need a ride. like I’m gluten free till I’m broke. or just hungry
when i first moved here I did a lot of stuff alone. I also did a lot of stuff with the guy I was dating. and a lot of stuff at home cos I was lost and broke and scared. when things went to shit I was Necessarily Strong and moved around a lot and met a lot of people and had experiences. but now I’m like: I’ve been in Seattle a year and a half, where my best friends at? I’m bored of meeting new people. I hate strangers. I only want to hang out with people I can scratch my stomach in front of.
(tho lately my belly is so post-sunburn itchy I guess that is everyone! what up bffls! hello world!)
I try to be generous, tho maybe I just try to try to be generous. I like to think that everyone’s interesting for someone, just like everyone’s a good kisser for someone, I hope. I mean with some people I freeze up and play dead, and with some people I can joke around and make facial expressions out loud. listen, respond, conversate
probably a part of maturing is learning to be ok with being alone rather than doing things I don’t like with people I don’t like in order to avoid it. but may I say: blahhh! it’s hard! I’m ok to read and write in the sunshine, but when night falls I’m utterly lost.
I’m utterly lost!
so then I talk to boys.