Feminism is Winning

Last week I went out and was showered in male attention and had sex with a dude and blogged about it. The feedback I received: “Me too”s and “I hear ya”s about rape culture and questionable consent and why are some people so pushy in sexual situations? Compliments on my writing skills. Conversations among my friends, with and without me. Classroom discussions in Qatar! Congratulations for my bravery–though honestly, writing that post was like sneezing or bleeding; it had to come out, necessarily, and no effort on my part could keep the words inside.

The feedback I didn’t receive: slut-shaming. Whaa?? Are you joking me? I thought this was the Internet. I thought this was the place where, in my old, much more feminist-focused blog, I was frequently lambasted by two girls from high school who said I promoted constant casual sex in the guise of sex-positivity; who said I had selfish, self-promotional motivations in organizing a SlutWalk in Ithaca (to which I replied, generally in my own head because I am not so good at confrontation: AHAHAHAHA you think I’m trying and struggling and failing at feminist community organizing alone and for free to make myself look good?!).

But I digress. My point was, is, I blogged about being a slut (a sex-positive slut!) on the Internet and people only had nice things to say. My parents liked it! My mom: “I just read your post…. TERRIFIC!!! But what’s “DTF”?” My dad and stepmom Sandy: “You’re a great writer! You should write a book! And maybe take a self-defense class….”

Maybe wannabe naysayers were worried I would rightfully call them out in my next post. Maybe I only attracted like-minded readers. Or maybe, just maybe… feminism is winning…?

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About Emily Suggests

Pineapple rock, lemon platt, butter scotch. A sugarsticky girl shovelling scoopfuls of creams for a christian brother.

17 responses to “Feminism is Winning”

  1. -Laura & Brittani says :

    You:
    -Need other people to support you financially, including your pricey habits like eating out, getting drinks, and smoking weed all day
    -Have a part-time, no pay job
    -Couldn’t swing it as a waitress in a family pizzeria
    -Need a man to think for you (your words, not ours)
    -Think that being sad is the same thing as depressed, and furthermore, are so irrational and emotionally immature that you will cry and throw a tantrum because you think you maybe might miss a bus
    -Are clingy, demanding and insecure to the point that you value your wishes and comfort over those from whom you taxingly take
    -Think that buying the wrong vacuum is a noteworthy, bloggable event in life
    -Are irresponsible, lack foresight, reasoning and planning abilities to do something as simple as show up to an appointment on time
    -Openly state rigid, grandiose positions, and whenever someone challenges you or asks for objective support for your opinion, you give meek, empty responses, shrink away and two years later accuse them of lambasting you

    Feminism is winning! Wait, what did we reappropriate “winning” to mean again? And “feminism”—was that reappropriated too?

    We:
    -Can and do support ourselves independent of anyone
    -Have full-time, paying jobs
    -Work in our respective high volume, high stress law firms
    -Aced every Logic class we took—perfectly capable of thinking for ourselves (even when it comes to those gnawing, burdensome questions like which channel to watch)
    -Have suffered from actual depression and still keep it together enough to take care of business far more significant than catching a bus (if you can imagine such a thing)
    -Have interpersonal relations of mutual respect (even with men! And, well, with people who are deserving of respect), which we are magically able to manage even with sobriety
    -Don’t find the problems which could warrant a “firstworldproblems” hashtag worth mentioning
    -Can grasp concepts like the finality of death and have enough frontal lobe gray matter to adequately assess risk and avoid low benefit, high cost scenarios
    -Don’t go around saying things if we haven’t thought out our position and can sufficiently support them if challenged. We don’t mind confrontation or are much threatened by the prospect of being “called out” because we actually think things for things called “reasons”—not because we read something on a bumper sticker one day and thought it was like, totally punk rock in your face DIY YOLO.

    Does that mean we’re losing? :C

    I mean, one of us got the highest raise in a large firm within a year of working there while the senior partner told her she was “going places”—the other is being published in the one and only Encyclopedia of Human Sexuality which will be shelved in law, medical and university libraries and is also a certified peer AIDS educator.
    Oh no—do you think we’re not feminist enough??? Maybe we need to cry more for no reason and be overbearing and irrational and aimless and weak and be dependent on the attention and direction of men and hop into cars with strangers to take us off to wherever they want to do whatever they say. Maybe one day with enough hard work we can be feminist winners just like you!!!

    Yeah, hey, maybe no one bothered to slut shame you because after you wrote about how you cried in the bathroom after sex it just seemed redundant.

    • deliciosciphi says :

      Wait. Are these the two girls from high school you were talking about? Is this an actual reply made by adults to another adult? Is this just trolling? I really can’t figure it out.

      Laura and Brittani, what the fuck? I don’t know Emily Stoner and I don’t know you. Nonetheless, based solely on the post you made, you have painted yourselves as the villains in a cheesy early 90s chick flick coming-of-age story with Emily as the protagonist. You have this bizarre delusion of self importance that may trick weak minded individuals into believing that you actually have an ounce of credibility, but the audience knows that you are an empty shell fueled only by selfishness bordering upon sociopathic tendencies.

      I can absolutely assure you that no rational entity would read what you posted and think “Yeah, you girls go! You tell someone how much better you are because of a bunch of arbitrary issues that are meaningless to any degree of legitimacy as internally and intrinsically contradictory! Yeah! People who are better than others usually take the time to write 6 paragraphs that include lists comparing the lesser person to the better people! YEAH!!!!”

      How old are you? I hope you’re both 14, because then your brain and social development would be right on schedule.

      You are not a victim. Nobody even knows who you are, but by flaming someone who has garnered respect in a very public forum on the internet will attract only haters. You deserve many haters.

      If I was you, capable of writing such absurd things and directing them at someone in the manner you did, I would be depressed too.

      I would say, yes. You are losing.

    • Hartebeest says :

      Christ. I’m sure you two are very accomplished. Does it make you feel good to hear that?

      A thought, though: you may consider taking some time off of being such a hard worker to learn some basic empathy.

  2. Long-Time Lurker says :

    “You are not a victim.”

    I don’t think these ladies ever once tried to paint themselves as victims. In fact, I got the complete opposite vibe from them.

    You seem to solely be attacking the bullet points they typed. While some of these are clearly personal jabs there seems to be a broader picture they are trying to convey. A picture that you did not even attempt to address in your reply.

    Could they have been nicer in their replay? Sure. Did they have to be? Absolutely not. There was clearly more to their point than the personal stuff. This was not an ad hominem. They were not saying “you suck, therefore your claims suck.” They were saying, “your claims suck, therefore you suck” (this is analogous language, I’m not claiming that is exactly what they meant).

    I can see why someone might get upset by that…but hey it was pretty funny and made for a good read: http://i.imgur.com/hinAw.gif

    • -Laura says :

      Yeah, the point. If you’re going around claiming to be a feminist it’d probably be wise not to fit every negative stereotype of a woman imaginable. Then imply that we aren’t feminists just because we disagree.
      Hate away, I know the drill.

  3. Rich says :

    @Laura and Brittani: I could go on about your lack of accomplishments, and my wall of them. I could use my extended vocabulary and college education to lambaste your ideals, talk about the fact that working for a law firm is nothing to be proud of, but I’ll break it down to you in language that you can easily understand: You are self-absorbed pieces of shit. Grow up.

    • -Laura says :

      Working in a law office and being a woman is an accomplishment of all the feminists long ago worked their asses off for. They put their reputation and lives on the line for us to have that. Those women were feminists and they deserve acknowledgement respect for the path they paved for all women. I’d like to think that I’m not letting their hard work go to waste. They came from nothing and carved out a way, risking everything. They weren’t handed everything and squandered it, living a life that is opposite of what they worked so hard to get. Sorry if you don’t think that’s anything worth being proud of.

  4. -Laura says :

    I want to make something clear. I actually like you, Stoner, and so does Brittani. I mean we like the REAL Stoner. The ACTUAL Stoner. I only vaguely remember her. Where did she go? When did she get replaced by this radical, gung-ho feminist that focuses more on image than substance?

    I don’t care if you have insecurities and things like that because you’re a human being. But this whole thing isn’t what feminism is, and this picture of a “feminist” you paint isn’t who YOU are. I’m sorry, but Stoner, you’re not strong and you’re not confident. I think if people combed over your blog that much would speak for itself. The way you live is a misogynist’s dream. Another emotionally unstable, irrational and dependent woman is going around tooting the feminist horn. It’s embarrassing.

    Do what you want. I can only plead–Please do not proclaim yourself the representative of our gender when you more than anyone just demonstrate all the negative ideas that people have about women and feminists. When people say you can’t do something because you’re a woman, don’t sit around, doing nothing, and tell them that they’re wrong. Do something. Be someone. Don’t even say a word, prove them wrong with the way you live.

    This whole thing is so wrong I could scream. It shouldn’t matter if you get support or not. Feminism doesn’t “win” because people agree with it, or don’t openly disagree with it, it wins because it makes rational sense.

    So if you want to “call us out” and imply we’re not feminists because we don’t agree with you version of “feminism”, then we’re going to take it to offense. And no, we’re not going to be nice, because why would we be. I can’t respect something that spits in the face of something that’s so ironic it hurts.

    • Emily B says :

      Laura- It’s apparent that you have a great need to compare yourself to others. Personally attacking someone isn’t a very adult approach; it’s pretty self-centered and only really reflects the person you are, not the one you’re criticizing. You made assumptions that everyone wants the things in life that you have and that the way your live your life is somehow superior. Did it ever occur to you that some of us might be different individuals and not have the same life to live with the same preferences or plans for the future? It’s awesome that you have a high paying job at a law firm and are ever so educated. Some of us don’t need to spend time throwing it others faces. Some of us follow our dreams and do what we love and don’t have to make all the money in the world just yet to feel accomplished. We also don’t have to go around criticizing others who are happy with where they are in life. If you think Emily’s posts are so flawed, then why do you bother read up on it? Spend your time doing something positive rather than spewing your negativity at someone busy living their own life. It is amazing to me that you claim to know a “real Emily Stoner”, but that real Stoner is the person you insist on berating, apparently trying to change. It’s as if you think you have the power to change a person with your superior words. Thinking you have the power to change someone else’s opinions and life course by posting a rant about the things they do which you don’t agree with says more about you than the blog owner. Perhaps you should look inward to see why you are so bothered by the fact that someone has grown so much since you knew them in the past and why you think you would happen to know who they are today. To make global accusations about someone lacking confidence and strength is absurd when you don’t even know them anymore, and it’s just plain mean and doesn’t belong in a blog comment. And even more self-centered, it’s as if you think saying that you still like her is going to make some impression on her. If you can even claim to know the person she is. Your comments fueled by anger are perturbing and reflect someone with inability to have the emotional intelligence to understand how you come off to others or the empathy to care about others’ feelings.

      It is okay to debate and have civil conversations, but not to personally attack and harass someone in a cyber bullying fashion. This issue is clearly personal and about you and your views. I hope that someday you can resolve your own issues so that you don’t need to unleash your anger on others, and realize that there are other people in the world with different views and desires in terms of living life. Worry about yourself and don’t be so concerned about how other people choose to live their lives.

      • -Laura says :

        Don’t give me that opprotunities bullshit. She got a full ride to college and had a paying job before she quit for minor reasons. Who the hell hasn’t caught shit from work? Who cares what job it is? She is open to work part time nights. She’s lucky to have people to support her. Not everyone has THAT. I mean try to sell that sob story to the women in India being burned at the sate for no reason.
        I never had any delusions that people would enjoy the comment or even agree with me. I don’t give a shit if no one is impressed by me or anything I say and do. At the end of the day I don’t need to cower away from a challenge or back off to sulk when someone calls me out. If I do something, it’s sure as shit for a long list of reasons–Not to get praised by others. Isn’t it painfully clear that Stoner’s beaming was that she got support, and her sulking is related to whenever someone disagrees? If you want to be an ACTIVIST, WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT ANYONE ELSE HAS TO SAY ABOUT ANYTHING? Sorry, if you can’t swallow a comment on a blog, good luck going out in the world and facing REAL problems.
        I’m not going to encourage or respect something detrimental and counterproductive to the strives past feminists have made. To show her respect would be in itself an act of disrespect to everyone on this planet who is out there risking life and limb to fight for ACTUAL human rights.
        Is anyone stopping her from sleeping around? NO. GO AHEAD. But wanting people to approve of it? WHO CARES WHAT THEY THINK? You’re not fighting for the right to sleep around, you’re free to do that all you want. You’re demanding that people like it. SORRY, THOUGHT POLICE. Doesn’t work like that!
        If you think you’re right, it doesn’t matter who says what about it.
        I’m not going to be arm twisted into the lala land of protecting everyone’s feelings. I’m not sorry. I wasn’t trying to be nice. I don’t want to be nice. Your emotional state is not my concern, just like you can say whatever the fuck you want to me. Freedom of speech is an actual human right that everyone should have. Being “happy” all the time isn’t. Everyone “liking” you isn’t.
        So, as ironically as Stoner is a feminist everyone turns around and acts vicious at acts they consider vicious. Give me a break with spreading “positivity” nonsense. The world isn’t fucking positive. I’d rather hear reality. Wind up supporting her like this she’s going to wind up dead in an alley. Not because she deserves it, but because this world is a shitty place. Sorry if that’s too negative for you. The world does not care about you or your feelings. And no one has to either. So seriously, get used to it.

      • Emily Stoner says :

        I wish I had more time to reply to everything, and will, eventually, but I’m busy with work and life and all that. A few quick notes:

        -I didn’t get a full ride to college. I had scholarships and financial aid and grants and some parental help and student loans that I am paying back (actually in forbearance right now for the rest of 2013), because…
        -I do support myself. I have a paying, part-time job right now as well as a full-time unpaid internship (that provides housing thank goodness) and a very part-time unpaid internship. I’m making it happen with hard work and moxie and hopefully not too much credit card debt
        -I would honestly rather work for free in Seattle than make $100,000/year in Williamsville, NY, but we’re all on our own life paths
        -I don’t smoke pot
        -Depression and other mental health issues are not the same for everyone
        -Feminists are not uniform in theory or praxis (and I do not speak for all feminists, and I think and hope I didn’t purport myself to)
        -Women are not homogeneous and I do not speak for all women, etc. etc.

        I appreciate discussion and debate and this has all been fun. I’ll be back when I have time. Bring on the page views! ❤

      • -Laura says :

        Wait, something just occurred to me—If you’re the Emily B I think you are, does that mean my good buddy Rich is your husband? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
        Let’s do a play by play:
        You tell me I have a need to compare and act superior but your Einstein husband doesn’t bother to break down what is surely a hyper-intelligent opinion regarding law firms because it’ll just fly right pass my head.
        You want to get uppity about negativity, but bypassed everyone else’s, including that of your dearly betrothed.
        And of course he can determine that we’re pieces of shit and you can cleverly deduce that we’re angry (nice to see your degree is paying off) from our comment–yet I don’t have enough to base that Stoner isn’t strong or confident based on a entire blog dedicated to throwing tantrums, lamenting that a man isn’t around to pick her music for her, and crying in the bathroom after consensual sex?.
        Oh no, looks like you married everything you just scolded us for. How about you get your hypocrite ass to get your husband and figuratively blow me.

        Seriously, are you all phony and self-serving as hell? You all seem to think that we were expecting some sort of round of applause? There is such a thing as not giving a shit about what other people think of you. I’m guessing that’s all super hard for you to imagine since you all like to think you have deity-esque moral superiority. Yeah we’re assholes, but we’re not liars and assholes, so it looks like we have the edge up on all of you.

        And Stoner–Sincerely, good work on pulling off jobs and quitting weed. That’s actual progress and bring me very real joy. Now just stop being superficial, approval-craving, irrational and over emotional and we’re set to sail. Because yeah there are a lot of different views in feminism, but I’m pretty sure those things aren’t included in any of them.
        And nice job trying to be smooth with the afk bullshit, but you were sitting at your desk monitoring comments for a while there. Almost had it. Or were you implying that I have no life? Come on, you know I’d drop everything just for you. You built my appetite. You just thought you were smugly celebrating the lack of negativity, thinking you could just slide us in there, and trot away victoriously but all we heard was a dinner bell ringing.

        Stoner. Seriously. Be yourself. You’re not strong, you’re not confident, and you’re not who you are portraying yourself to be. We would not come near to touching you if you were just honest about it. In fact we would have the utmost respect for you, if you could be as honest about yourself as we are honest about being assholes. But latching onto some idealized persona because it’s everything you’re not is not doing anyone any favors. You’re never going to be that person at this rate and definitely not in this way. People are going to see through it and it’s only going to hurt a good cause. Stop caring about appearing a certain way and trying to wedge into a community so that you can hear that-a-girls.
        I remember in high school you were writing in my yearbook how you were trying to be like me while at the same time I was writing that you’re great and you should be yourself. But then you latched onto this radical feminism and that became the whole of who you are. So I ask again—Where’s the real Emily Stoner? Please bring her back, we like her.
        Human beings can be lovable and acceptable with all their flaws—it’s fucking phonies people can’t stand.

  5. Emily B says :

    I love the Emily Stoner that exists ❤

  6. Rich says :

    Well if that’s not a successful trolling, I don’t know what is. Also, your post, TL:DR.

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