What am I doing here?
Yesterday was my first day without a job, my first day back to the grind applying for jobs. I gave my two weeks notice at work Monday night and my boss texted me Tuesday morning telling me not to come in. I did apply for some jobs I’m excited about; maybe I’ll work for the YWCA, a homeless empowerment organization, an organization that helps low-income people start small businesses, or some publications around Seattle. We’ll see! I don’t even remember how to get a job that isn’t in a restaurant!
I didn’t leave the apartment all day, I was in such a job-hunting mode. I paused only to wash dishes and try to recreate my kale, sweet potato, and bean recipe from the Moosewood cookbook. I’ve made this dish before, deliciously, but this time it didn’t really turn out! What a disappointment. I think I didn’t saute the kale for long enough before I started to steam it. The kale was tough and fibrous and the sweet potato soft and flavorless. Ugh. I put everything back in the skillet with more olive oil and balsamic vinegar. After a little while, I served myself again, added a generous amount of Sriracha, and tried to eat. Not bad, but not nearly as delicious as last time.
As this is all happening, the clock is ticking, and I’m beginning to wonder what’s going on. It’s 10:00, where’s Ben? I haven’t heard a word from him in hours. We eventually communicate and I learn he walked almost all the way home with a friend from work, took a cab back to look for a forgotten cell phone, then cabbed back in our direction again.
When he walked in the door he was soaking wet and pissed off… at me. I had made tentative plans with a friend that fell through, and he was mad that I was home at all. Ben’s desire to hang out with a friend that isn’t me is so strong that he’ll just yell at me if he ends up hanging out with me instead.
I did have a good day before Ben got home. I was productive applying for jobs and felt hopeful about the future. For some reason, everything I do I think of him. I diligently apply for jobs, thinking he’ll be proud of me. I wash the dishes for him. I try again instead of just giving up on the kale, thinking he wouldn’t want me to waste the food. And then he gets home and I get in trouble just for existing.
Later on he does apologize, tearfully. We watch TV together because I can’t stand to actually interact with him in any way. And then, two people sleep as far away from each other as they can on a full-sized bed.
With no job and hardly a boyfriend, what exactly am I doing in Seattle?