Sometimes Failing

I’m 23 years old and I’m learning that I’m not perfect. I can’t be perfect. I can’t always be nice, and I can’t always be pretty. I can’t always say smart things or tell good jokes. Sometimes no one wants to hang out with me. Sometimes I bet and I’m wrong.

Right now I don’t have a job and I don’t have a car and I don’t live in a place where I can walk much. I can walk to a grocery store or a mall but not to a friend’s house or a restaurant I would want to eat at. No swimming up here. I can take the bus but not past 9 p.m. I’m stuck.

And we are leaving so SOON but that still leaves a month and a half of isolation and loneliness. A month and a half of waiting for my boyfriend to get out of work. A month and a half of wishing my friends wanted to hang out with me.

Really, I have impossibly high standards. I hung out with two friends today. I had coffee with one while we caught each other up on our lives, and dinner with another at the restaurant we used to work at. Friendship and companionship really aren’t the issue. I am craving best-friendship; a person I am platonically drawn to and her to me. I want sometime to share secrets with, to be honest with, to fight with.

Hopefully she’s in Seattle.

How am I going to get to Seattle? Is this really going to happen? I’m trying to buy a van right now for the drive, but the guy I’m buying from seems to get more sketchy and unavailable daily. I just want to buy a van from you! Let me give you money! Please! Then I will have more freedom to get around here, my boyfriend will be able to use it in his movie, we’ll have no problem getting to Buffalo, and we can take our time on the drive. I just want some FREEDOM and I think the van will offer that. GIVE IT TO ME!!!!

And then I need a job. And an apartment.

I’M A GROWN UP!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!

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About Emily Suggests

Pineapple rock, lemon platt, butter scotch. A sugarsticky girl shovelling scoopfuls of creams for a christian brother.

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